it’s okay if you don’t love
yes, i mean at all.
people - including a lot of aros - talk about aros as if we’re okay because we still love. because we have platonic love and queerplatonic love and familial love and alterous love. but some of us don’t.
then they go to interests. you love your interests, right?? but some of us don’t. or at least not in the way they think.
and that’s okay.
we’re okay.
love ≠ value
Posted by askanaroace
Aplatonic was coined by someone who felt their aplatonicism was due to trauma, so it has been heavily associated with trauma and at some point neurodivergency became a part of that, but that’s never been a core component of aplatonicism. Aplatonic simply means disinterest in/inability to form platonic bonds/lack of platonic attraction. That’s it!
In fact, the person I personally learned the most about aplatonicism from (and have reblogged quite a bit here) is not aplatonic due to either trauma or neurodivergency. They just are aplatonic, no ‘underlying cause’.
No need to gatekeep yourself here. You can absolutely identify as aplatonic. All that matters is that the label means something to you and that you want to use it.
x
Posted by askanaroace
I feel you, anon. It can get overwhelming sometimes, especially when things are going on in your life and you really need someone to talk to about it.
Here’s some things you can do to connect with others so you can feel less lonely:
- Connect with people you have other types of relationships with. Do you have any family? Qpps? Romantic or sexual partners? Talk with them, hang out with them, etc.
- If you work, next time your coworkers invite people out to dinner or something after work: go. Also, try setting up a dinner yourself and invite folk. If you go to school, see if there’s a study group you can join or put one together.
- Look into your local meetup.com groups. How about any facebook groups? Find a local group and go to some things they do. You can find anything from hiking groups to dinner/coffee shop hangouts to more.
- Join a local gym and take some group classes or look into starting a physical commitment, like a martial arts. (Honestly the most socialization I get is at muay thai. The people and especially the coaches are so friendly, they know my name, they’re comfortable teasing me and me teasing them - I just feel so welcome and at home at the gym, and nobody there really knows anything about my personal life. It’s a great way to be able to connect with people without big pressures of forming long-lasting relationships tbh.)
- What fun local things does your city offer? Paint nites (a lot of the ones in my city have an alcohol focus, but I’ve been to plenty of casual ones)? Cool, cheap nights at museums? What do local art studios offer in the way of classes? Ask around, do some googling - you’re bound to find plenty of options. Commit to trying two new things a month or whatever you have time for. These are often fun group things where you can either casually sit within the company of others or join in more and make conversation with your neighbors.
- What’s something that’s important to you? For example, being queer, being neurodivergent, being disabled, having [x] hobby/passion, etc.? Look up local orgs/clubs for these things and see if they offer seminars/meetings. Go to one and check it out!
- Build an online community. Blogs, social media, forums, discord, steam - there are all sorts of places where you can find and connect with people who have similar interests as you and talk with them. I often find it easier to socialize with people online because I can do it on my own time (and without the effort of going out and meeting up), take breaks as needed, and use whatever medium is least exhausting to me (I tend to prefer forums, for example, because there’s less dm’ing and more time between people’s responses).
Here’s some things you can do to cope with the loneliness:
- Do any of the things suggested in the above list. Sometimes the best way to combat something is to face it head on. You’re lonely? Go be social!
- Journal about your feelings/your day and/or start a blog about it. A lot of the times, we just have the need to say our piece. So say it!
- Look into CBT techniques, (guided) meditation, and grounding techniques. Play around and practice with each of these and find what works for you. These are all staples of mental health and managing emotions. They’re useful tools for anyone, regardless of if you’re tackling a mental illness type of issue or just have something going on in your life that you need some help tackling/getting through.
- Distract yourself? Feeling lonely - okay, do something that occupies your mind and helps you stop thinking about it. Homework, sudoku, learning a new language, practicing coding, writing a story, reading a book, baking. Just do something that isn’t mindless and so won’t let your mind wander. Do something you know will distract you.
- If all else fails, let yourself just wallow for a bit. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be lonely. It’s okay to feel bad. Sometimes we just need to recognize and accept these feelings. Curl up with some chocolate and a sad movie. Take a long bath and read a guilty pleasure book. Let yourself feel your feelings for the day and do some self-care.
Hope this helps, anon! Sorry this took me so long.
x
Hey, so I was pretty sure I had heard this before so I double checked with a quick google search. This label did appear a few times so you’re not the only one!
Here’s a post on tumblr that I found about it (from 2016 so it’s been around for 4 years!) and it actually does include some pride flags! There’s a couple different proposals.
Also here’s the thing about labels, it doesn’t have to be used by someone else for it to be valid. It doesn’t have to already exist for it to be valid. You are totally allowed to make new labels if that’s what fits? That’s how every label & term comes about. Someone makes it up.
Also greyplatonic is pretty understandable. A lot of people familiar with aspec terminology would understand that grey means sometimes or irregularly, while platonic refers to platonic attraction.
-Mod Kiwi
I’m aplatonic and grayplatonic is a thing, yes. However, I wouldn’t exactly refer to grayplatonic as an orientation rather than a modifier because we use the platonic scale more typically to define a difficulty in forming platonic relationships rather than to define specific platonic attraction (though there has been discussion and a compromise on this, which I can go into more if you’re interested).
(Just putting this up here in case you have more questions. I’m not sure about Mod Kiwi and don’t want to speak over them, but just in case you want a specific aplatonic perspective in help answering any questions you have, anon. ^^ )
Januaro day four! Aplatonic!
Yesterday the prompt list was shared on Instagram and there’s so many people so hyped about this! Im so happy!
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Januaro dia quatro! Aplatônico!
Ontem a lista foi compartilhada no Instagram e tem tantas pessoas tão animadas sobre isso! Tô tão feliz com isso!
I wanted to clarify my other ask. I’m married. I knew I was in love with my husband pretty quick. Most of the time I can’t stand talking to people & he makes me happy in a way no-one else can. I love sex with him. But if he never wanted it again I’d survive. The problem comes where, if I’m not in a committed relationship, I love my few friends so much I’m fine being there physially for my friends if they need it. This is why I choose my friends carefully. Like, 3 people in the entire world.
Aplatonic means you have difficulty/struggle to/inability to form platonic relationships with others. This can manifest in different ways. It could be something as ‘passive’ as a disinterest or it could be something like an exhaustion. It could be an interplay of many different manifestations. For example, I don’t have much interest in forming platonic relationships and when faced with the fact of it maybe happening or someone trying to bond with me, it settles into me as a deep exhaustion and fatigue.
I can’t tell you if you’re aplatonic or not because identity is not a test or diagnosis. I can tell you that I relate to your experiences of finding people stressful and not having very many people I’m close to (though having few people was true before I was aplatonic, as well). The best question to explore yourself to determine if you’re aplatonic is: do I want to identify as aplatonic? Does it help me to identify as aplatonic? Does aplatonic give me some sense of belonging or being understood? If yes to any of those, that’s a good sign you’re aplatonic!
It sounds like part of your confusion over if you can identify as aplatonic or not comes down to the fact that you possibly experience other forms of attraction (like sexual, sensual, and/or queerplatonic, maybe?). Aplatonicism is only about how you form bonds platonically. You can have whatever other identities and still be aplatonic! You do not have to be aro/ace/nonamorous to be aplatonic. You just have to find aplatonic a useful way to describe how you feel.
x
I actually think I wouldn’t mind being in a qpr sort of situation. The problem is the widespread notion that it’s a ’strong, platonic committed relationship/life partnership that isn’t just friendship’.
I get that invalidation has caused qprs to be defined as such. But that definition alienates me as an aplatonic aro. I struggle with commitment, intimacy and that ‘pull’ to others even on a ‘just friendship’ level.
Qprs were coined to be customisable for any aro - from what I gathered, qprs are simply committed non-romantic relationships. They’re defined in that very non-romo aro sense.
Yeah, they can involve platonism, but wouldn’t the ’non-romantic’ part of the definition already imply that, without excluding aplatonism and even considerarion of other attraction types e.g. sexual, emotional, sensual?
(I guess it’s easier to conceptualize qprs as platonic-centered. Not for me, though. I can barely conceptualise ‘just’ platonic attraction.)
I think I would like a committed relationship in the future, and maybe I’ll want a label for that too. If so, I wouldn’t consider qpr. As it stands the term is entrenched in ideas of strong platonic love and intimacy. For a term that’s supposed to be customisable, that’s what it’s zeroed on.
Maybe I’m wrong and there are qprs out there that aren’t like this, that are more in line with my ideal. Still, I feel that the term and the widespread culture around it naturally erases my aplatonism.
Even as I say that, I don’t really have anything to suggest to… work on it.
There’s no need to replace qpr as a term because it’s useful for others. I don’t think a qpr culture shift to include aplatonics (or just me) is wanted either. Nor do I think this post of mine would really matter to the aro community.
My aplatonism doesn’t mean I can’t want platonic relationships, even committed ones. Yes, there are apls who don’t desire that, and that’s cool. Everybody has their own takes on what commitment and intimacy means to them. It all depends.
!! Yes!
A non-romantic committed relationship. That’s literally all there is to a qpr. Sure, the majority of qprs may have a strong emotional bond (whatever the nature of said bond, except romantic) but yeah. A non-romantic bond doesn’t mean the bond is platonic either. A qpr can be formed on anything outside of romance. It’s a partnership. And as such, the word can encompass a lot of experiences. This is. Not. A kind of relationship between friendship and romance. Let’s not hierarchize relationships please.
Also, I can’t help but want to facepalm everytime I see qprs defined as “stronger than friendship”. Let me tell you my fellow aros, I get where the desire to “legitimize” somehow qprs comes from, but…saying they’re more than friendship is assimilationist and kinda amatonormative, actually. So let’s stop saying that, please.
Aplatonic is defined as: “Describes a person who experiences little to no platonic attraction. This means they rarely or never experience squishes, which are strong desires to form a friendship with a particular person.” (from here)
It’s also relevant to know that the term originated specifically amongst neurodivergent aroaces. Also, aplatonic has a corresponding aplatonic spectrum.
- Mod Magni
It’s actually more than that. It’s difficulty/inability/lack of desire to form platonic bonds. It’s not just squishes. It’s our overall ability - or lack thereof - to platonically connect with anybody beyond pure acquaintanceship.
If a bond does manage to get formed, often it is very strong and the acquaintance is upgraded straight to family rather than friend.
shoutout to the aros who don’t actually have friends/ don’t want any
Posted by askanaroace
If I found questions irritating, I’d’ve chosen the wrong type of blog to start!
I’m going to answer your questions because I know most people are likely baffled by aplatonicism. I know because I could not wrap my head around what it must be like before I myself was aplatonic.
However, I’m going to address something else first, because you don’t seem to really be asking these clarifications out of a genuine sense of curiosity and desire to get to understand aplatonic better in order to support your aplatonic family (hi!).
Something does not need to be a universal need, desire, or want in order for it to be a valid need, desire, or want that you have.
It doesn’t matter how I or any other aplatonic person feels in regards to if something you feel or want is valid. We do not control that. We do not hold some omnipresent power to validate or invalidate you.
Gay folk are valid even though some folk are straight. Bisexual folk are valid even though some folk are gay or straight. Trans folk are valid even though some folk are cis. Cultural-specific third genders are valid even though those genders don’t exist in other cultures.
Your desire for connection and bond and relationships is valid regardless of people who are aplatonic and nonamorous, whatever their own personal feelings about relationships.
This feeling of guilt you have over needing and wanting connection and bonds with others is absolutely an issue you should address in yourself. It is not healthy to beat yourself up over your own needs and wants. It is not harmful to want or to have relationships. Therefore feeling guilty over it absolutely has basis in something unhealthy in yourself that is hurting you. Please find a way to address and work on this in yourself. If you’re in a place where you can, this is exactly something you can work on addressing with a therapist or counselor. If not, try an app like Pacifica that can help you learn CBT techniques to keep mindful and treat yourself well.
It is healthy to prioritize your needs and wants. People are diverse and complex. We do not all need the same things as one another, nor do we have to need the same things.
I need an inhaler to live thanks to my asthma and allergies. If you have properly working airways (or an issue which inhalers won’t help), you don’t need to take an inhaler just so I can be valid for taking care of my own life.
My sister is involved with a community of vegan folk because otherwise she feels very lonely and isolated being the only vegan she knows. I do not need to become vegan or join that community in order for a) her choice to be vegan to be valid, or b) her desire to engage specifically with other vegans to be valid. It is also valid that my sister feels lonely in her dietary choice even though I’ve never mocked her choice and always make sure there’s food for her at my place or any place we may meet up because it’s true that as someone with a far less restricted diet, I don’t understand the daily struggle to check every piece of food around to see if it can be consumed or not.
My friend deeply wants a child and is working hard with her husband to have one, including going through their options, as due to her health, pregnancy may be out of the question. I do not want to raise children at all. I do not need to want to have children for my friend’s desire to be valid.
People need and want different things all the time. There is nothing inherently wrong about this. When it’s wrong is when it’s hurting someone, and right now the only one being hurt is you for not allowing yourself to have feelings and desires. Of course we all want and even need validation at times, even when the choice is ours alone to make. But you shouldn’t need validation that 100% of people feel exactly the same way as you to allow yourself to feel a way.
Your guilt is unnecessary, and it breaks my heart that your brain would trick you into treating yourself like this.
You want connection and relationships? That’s valid. You’re valid. Go forth and foster connection and relationships. And don’t forget to work on learning to let go of that unnecessary and harmful guilt that you’re harboring. You deserve better than that.
Now, to try and briefly answer the questions you asked (because I don’t want to take away too much from the above):
Do aplatonic people still need social interaction? Do they need emotional bonds in some form to be happy?
Depends on the person.
First off, unless you’re a hermit (and even then, it’s not guaranteed you’ll never run into anybody), it’s nigh impossible to go without any social interaction whatsoever. There’s a lot of ways to get social interaction without having close friendships: shopping and interacting with a salesperson or cashier, smalltalk with people in an elevator you’re riding in, familial relationships, talking or even going out with coworkers, interacting with customers if that’s a part of your job, playing games online with folk, participating in forums and blogs, volunteering and helping people out, catching up with an acquaintance, going to classes to learn a new skill/forming a study group, joining a gym with group classes, etc.
Emotional bonds can also be formed in a variety of ways. You can have a bond with your pets. An aplatonic person may also have a variety of other bonds. Familial bonds. Sexual bonds. Queerplatonic bonds.
Aplatonic means a lack of desire/difficulty forming platonic relationships. That’s it.
Some aplatonic folk may really struggle for form platonic relationships/bonds but may desperately want to. Some aplatonic folk may not really have friends but when they start getting to know someone well, that person goes from acquaintance straight to family. Some aplatonic people are not nonamorous/nonpartnered and may desire or have a queerplatonic partner.
For me, I’m pretty exhausted by the whole state of things. Yet, I have bimonthly dinners with my sister because I love her and it’s ridiculous that we live in the same city and almost never see each other otherwise. I started the dinners to improve the relationship I felt we had, since I think she feels like we can’t do anything together. Yet, I have a good relationship with my coworker. I work in an office with just him (our bosses are in another state), so a good relationship with him keeps things running smoothly and comfortably. Yet, I go out with my coworker and his wife (who is actually my friend from HS) because a) I had a close friendship with her before I became aplatonic and I still care deeply for her, b) it helps get me out of the house and I do usually have fun, and c) I know they appreciate it and I like making people happy. Yet, I still go to muay thai two times a week and chat with my instructor and laugh and talk with people I spar with because that’s a part of going to a group class, and I genuinely enjoy the atmosphere of the class and the attitude of the people that attend.
I don’t really have anybody in my life that I trust to tell or want to tell some of the deeper, more personal things about me, especially the bad stuff I’ve been through and being currently without healthcare, I can’t talk through these things with a therapist. Sometimes I do get lonely and hate that I’m this way. It’s scary that if something happened to me, I wouldn’t know who to call for help. Sometimes I just want to share, but I don’t feel I have anyone that I can do that with, and I don’t have the energy to put time forth fostering a relationship in which I could. And on the whole, I prefer to be independent, even though it makes some things harder.
We’re all human. We all have struggles. We all have our weaknesses. Some people may be happier and more confident being aplatonic than others are. As is the way of people of all groups. We don’t invalidate each other because we feel differently about our label any more than we invalidate you for not having the same label as us.
x
